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I have recognized that while I am willing to be kind to the children of others I am not willing to make the great sacrifices that I would be willing to make for my own children. There is bound to be someone who will get angry at my attitude about this and believe that I do not deserve to have a child if this is how I really regard them, my former Dom told me as much. I have seen my friends become livid at me, but the truth is that I do not believe that feeling this way and not talking about it helps anyone, because if I do that then the people around me will never understand why it is that I just haven’t taken their advice, if I don’t pay them the courtesy of telling them how I feel… in any event, I suppose I thought that that was what one did with one’s friends and relatives. This piece has been hard for me to write for many reasons. I know that it is a ‘journal’ of my thoughts about my IVF. When I mentioned my upcoming IVF last year to some of my friends in The Playground one of. " Where's Kathy?" Nancy asked."I don't know. I thought she was right behind me." I'll go look for her." Naw, sit tight, I'll go get her."Kathy had gone in and laid down on the bed in the guest room. I knocked softly on the doorframe, and she looked over at me. The lights were off in the room, but I could make her out in the light coming in from the dim hall way light."How ya doing?" I asked casually."I don't know." Oh?" Tony?" Yeah?" Am I behaving okay?" She asked seriously."Yeah. You're fine. Something bugging you?" I don't know." Okay if I come in and sit?" Sure."I went over and sat on the edge of the bed towards the footboard and offered her a sip of my beer. She sat up against the headboard and took the beer and had a swallow and handed it back to me."Thanks." Da nada. You going to be okay?" Yeah. I think so." So what's bothering you that you're sitting in here all alone while everyone else is out in the hot tub?" Oh, I guess I suddenly got shy somehow." Because I saw Cat hand you.
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